Do you have a ‘back pocket map’?
Fátima Disla was struggling in school. Her classmates teased her for looking and speaking differently. She felt lost and disconnected. One night after noticing these feelings, her mother took out a map, pointed to the Dominican Republic, and told her daughter, ‘That’s where we come from — it’s a great country. Next time people call you names, don’t take it personally; educate them; show them where you come from!’ Fátima was still carrying this map in her back pocket when she was in her twenties; she explained, ‘It gave me a sense of place. Now I knew who I was, and I couldn’t wait to show everyone else.’ There is power in identity.
We often define our identity by the values we hold, the roles we play, or the groups with which we identify. Our identity is influenced by parents and social groups — at times in opposition. ‘I am not like them; therefore, I am….’ How we see ourselves can progress and evolve. We are not molding clay that eventually hardens into an unchangeable form. Our identities develop as we discover our potential, choose our purpose and find opportunities.
How do collective identities such as national or cultural influence our self-view? By creating a sense of belonging, they can provide us with a map — showing where we came from and where we can return home.
Like Fatima’s connection to the Dominican Republic through her mother’s stories, the experiences of our parents and grandparents can create a map that binds us to an identity more significant than our own. Psychologists Marshall Duke and Robin Fivush of Emory University found that the more children knew about their family history, the stronger their sense of control over their own lives, the higher their self-esteem, and more resilient against stress.
The stories we tell of our family don’t have to be all positive. According to Duke, ‘Families often shield children from the truth, but negative stories can be even more important than positive ones for fostering emotional resilience.’ Knowing that those who came before us have also encountered obstacles. Sometimes they have failed, and sometimes they have succeeded, just like we do. It is relatable and understandable.
When children hear these stories, they feel connected to those family members they may have never met. They create an ‘intergenerational self — an identity in which they are part of something bigger than just themselves — a back pocket map.
